Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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