hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
