I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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