What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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