I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
