I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
