I wannas sexs uuuuu
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
