just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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