I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
