I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
