My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
