Got a toothbrush?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
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