i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
