ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
