dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
