he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
