I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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