She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
