We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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