I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
