Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
