i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
