Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
