We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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