Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
