It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
