Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
