I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
