I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
