i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
