I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think weed is turning my hair brown
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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