i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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