he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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