remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
