I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
