Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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