Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
