The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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