Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
