I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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