You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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