i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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