Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
