It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize