i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
