you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize