All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
