I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
