So drunk its hurt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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