So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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