Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
