i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
