I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
dude. I can hear the air.
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