I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
