he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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