Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
