so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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