I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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