I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
