I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
