Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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