I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
