I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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