Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
