that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
