so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
