I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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