I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
