If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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