we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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